Anna and Carrie

I miss writing.... Very few things have moved me in a way that has allowed me to write a blog post for a long time. It is not that I am lacking subjects to write about, but I have just really struggled with expressing myself. 2012 has been a year I don't ever wish to repeat, and I know in my heart 2013 will be better. Yesterday I was introduced to a young lady called Anna. Anna Rexia, is her full name. She is a Halloween costume depicting a girl with anorexia. You can read about Anna here <"http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/07/sexy-anorexia-halloween-costume-controversy/"> I was a little flabbergasted, to say the least, when my friend introduced me to Anna. I mean really???? Who would think that making a costume like that is funny. A little later, I started thinking a little more about the costume, and what it symbolized. To me, the costume, albeit being very distasteful, yet again showed me how ignorant people are, when it comes to understanding eating disorders. I honestly don't think there was any malicious intent when the costume was created, only ignorance. I do, as most of you probably know, suffer from an eating disorder myself. I was in treatment for nearly six weeks earlier this year. Whereas I don't doubt that the wonderful people at Shands in Gainesville played a huge part in the fact that I am still alive, and still fighting, I do know that the only person who can fight the fight, and hopefully win, is me. Starting to eat again is so much more than just a decision, it is hard work. Every single day I fight with food. Food is medicine, I need it to live, but a lot of people have no idea about all the struggles associated with wanting to recover. I want it all...... I want to live and be healthy, I want to no longer be afraid of food, but I also don't want to gain any weight, I don't want to be fat. One of the hardest things to deal with when you suffer from an eating disorder, is body dysmorphia...body dysmorphia is a disorder, where the individual perceives a part of his or her body to have a defect. To me, my "defect" is that when I look in the mirror I don't see me, I only see fat. Yup, I have no idea what I look like. I don't compare myself to pictures in magazines, I never did, but every time we go out I look at women and try to figure out what I look like, and according to Tom, I am always smaller than the women I pick. Really??? To return to my new acquaintance, Anna, as I said, I think the costume shows nothing but ignorance... Unfortunately, this ignorance is prevalent in society. While at Shands, we were talking about people, and we tried to prepare for some of the things we would meet when getting back into the real world. The biggest misconception I have encountered, is when people, out of kindness, offer me food that is high in calories and fat, thinking that I want to gain weight, that all I need is just to eat their fried chicken, or their pork stew. These people are nothing but kind, they have my best interest at heart, but.... if they only knew the pain of the knife stabbing me every time I am told to just eat, to eat a cheese burger, to eat pork stew, to eat fried chicken, they would not be doing it. In addition to dealing with, and accepting that I have a warped view of my body, it is so incredibly hard to just allow people to be people. There are so many kind remarks, that to a person with an eating disorder are nothing but painful, they stab, and at times confirm my feelings of being fat. A short while ago, a person told me that I had gained some weight, and that it was good to see some meat on me. The comment was meant as a compliment, but to me, the person might as well have called me a fat cow.... I can't change the world, people are ignorant, I am ignorant. But if there is one thing I want to do in 2013, it is to educate....The Anna Rexia costume to me is not different than a C(arrie) Ripple costume making fun of a person with a disability, or the John Downs costume depicting a person born with downs syndrome.. Eating Disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are real, deadly diseases.... Please educate yourselves... You can read more on the following websites: and http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/?gclid=CP_9jq3-nLQCFQ2znQodqWgAbw Peace, P Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

Things to ponder....

I am finding myself in a pondering mood today, not that it is that unusual, I tend to think a lot about a lot of things. After writing my blog on inertia the other night I started thinking about Newton, and what he did etc. No matter how much I try not to live in the world of "what ifs" every once in a while a what if will sneak its way into my little brain. The what if of today is "What would have happened to gravity if Newton and Tell had been in the same place at the same time?". Do I have to much time on my hands?, nah, not really, I ponder best when working, and came up with the question while making protein bars and dusting off the living room. My take on the answer is this: If William and Isaac had been in the same place at the same, there could have been a real possibility of William shooting down the apple before it hit Isaac in the head. In the event that had happened, gravity would likely never have been discovered. Had gravity never been discovered, life would have been a lot easier for a lot of people, myself included. See, if there was no gravity, my MD would only have a minor impact on my life, as I would not have to use muscles to stand up right, when walking I could just choose to float and not look like a silly duck, or have to worry about falling. Nobody would have to worry about falling! It would require very little strength to move large objects from one place to another, by taking advantage of Newton's First Law, all you would have to do would be to slightly tap the object to make it go in the direction you want it to! I have quite possibly wasted a few minutes of your life by posting this, I am trying to get back into the habit of blogging more often again. I currently have a blog on Sarcasm in the works. It is yet another one of the questions I have been pondering. What is sarcasm? and why do some people not get it? :-) P Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

Law of Inertia

Newton's First Law States that: an object not subject to any net external force moves at a constant velocity. Thus an object will continue moving at its current velocity until some force causes its speed or direction to change. It has been close to 25 years since my dad taught me about Newton's First Law. I have a couple of issues with that.... The first issue is that it has clearly not been close to 25 years since I was in the 7th grade! I mean how would I possibly be able to remember Newton's First Law for that long? The second issue is that Newton's First Law seems to be to blame for my complete lack of (or overabundance of)focus. Sounds kind of hocus pocus right? But as much as I want it to be, I don't think it is. I have amazing focus, for real. I can focus on spinning around in circles and not accomplish anything for days on end!!! That is focus right? I tend to complain about not being able to focus on the things I want to, and need to do. This means that at any given time I am super focused on not being focused, causing me to accomplish nothing. It seems as if I am in orbit around some Utopian world my brain has created. I am orbiting around this perception I have of what a good life is, trying to find a way into it, only to find that I am afraid to enter because my definition does not match reality. I reach out asking people to help me break through. In reality I am afraid of the work, and ask people break through for me. I have found out what the problem isn't, and also what the solution isn't. The problem isn't that people aren't trying to knock me out of orbit. rust me, I have received several pushes and shoves trying to accomplish just that, but for some ODD reason, the time it takes for my focus to readjust is so minimal that inertia isn't broken, the tiny shove in one direction immediately causes the focus to readjust so orbiting can be resumed without interruption. So the problem isn't that I lack focus, nor is the solution to depend 100% on outside forces to nudge me. After all I just proved that my focus is strong enough to eliminate the effects of outside forces on my little orbit. Manipulation can be fun; it is a way for your brain to twist reality just enough to make it fit your perceptions. I may have manipulated the Law of Inertia just a bit... We deceive ourselves into thinking that manipulating the world around us will help make the world more like the Utopian world we wish to live in. Using Newton's First Law as a scapegoat for my perceived lack of focus is really nothing but that, a scapegoat. I manipulated it, in reality,the slightest nudge should disturb the orbit, otherwise the law is invalid, right? So, even when the focus kicks in to haul the brain back into orbit, a change has taken place be it ever so slight! For just a little while, the circle wasn't perfect, and even though a new, perfect circle is created, the disturbance was there. So the solution is not to try to manipulate the reality Isaac's observations. I have an infinite number of those disturbances in my life. I am surrounded by amazing people, who want to help me, guide me, love me, and only wish the best for me. And even though I would like to think that I listen, I have come to understand that my subconscious is in charge of my focus. You can compare my subconscious to a a very scared turtle, every time it feels a "nudge" it sticks its head out to see what is going on, only to quickly withdraw it before it gets burned. Every time someone nudges me I feel good, and only want to do what is required of me, but time after time my subconsciousness hijacks my focus and brings it back into orbit. The solution is both simple, and hard. Simple because Proverbs 16.9 clearly tells you what it is: The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.. Hard because our small brains have a hard time understanding what God means by that; don't we have free will? What good is it to have free will if God directs us anyway?. The free will is the option we have of doing things the easy way or the hard way. At any given moment in time we are where God wants us to be, we can accept that, do our part by staying healthy, focusing on the things we have been given, and not the things we have lost. The hard thing, however, is when you time after time experience what you perceive to be losses, it can become a struggle to figure out what God's plans for you are. I tend to get stuck grieving my losses, I get blinded and forget about all the things I have been given. These past weeks I have run into the phrase "Let go and let God" a million times. I have been reading a series of novels showing the difference between asking God for what you want, and not for what you need! My goal is to learn to ask for what I need, and do what I can with just that. It will take time and hard work, but I need to be more aware of all the nudges my orbit receives, and rather than allowing my subconscious mind to immediately draw it back, I need to allow it to flow with the nudges. My thinking leads me to believe that the nudges are not coincidences. It will take patience, blood, sweat, tears, prayers, and a lot of focus. "For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11 I am grateful for all my nudgers out there. I can be difficult, but I hope you know that I appreciate you all for what you do, your patience, your honesty, and your friendship. You all know who you are! Peace, hope and FOCUS. P Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

Remember Omaha

"Right after that, I’m sitting there wondering what the hell am I gonna do; the sand dune is about three feet high, and I’m sitting against it. It gave you protection from small arms fire, but not from mortars. So I’m crouched up there, shaking, cold, freezing to death, you’re soaking wet, wondering what the hell, what’s going on? What happened to our plan? Trying to make some reason out of this chaos. And all I could see was chaos, catastrophe. Boats burning, smoking, dead men all along the water’s edge, floating bodies. Craft getting hit. It was awful, awful, awful. I said, "Oh, Jesus, something’s not going right here." And during that time this guy goes staggering along about fifty, sixty yards from me, staggering, I don’t know how the hell he was walking. His backpack was hanging down his back, his clothes were in shreds, one arm dangled, it must have been hit. And he looked towards me, I don’t know why but somehow he looked back towards me and half his face was gone. And something said, "I know that guy." It was his stature, his walk, something about him. I said, "I know that guy." (Source: http://www.tankbooks.com/stories/omaha.htm )

It has been a while since I last updated my blog, a long while as a matter of fact. I chose to start this blog with part of a story describing what happened on Omaha Beach on D-Day. The main reason is that the story is about hopelessness, and about being put in a terrible situation that seems to have no chance of a positive outcome. But, on the other hand, it also shows human resilience, courage, and kindness. Right now I am finding myself on my own private Omaha Beach, the situation is by no means as dire as the one described by Chuck Hurlbut, but in many ways I do find myself resting against a sand dune trying to gather my thoughts, and the strength to move on. The first three months of 2012 have been eventful to say the least. I started the year off feeling really depressed and anxious, for the longest time I had had trouble eating, and found a strange comfort in not eating. Life was painful, and I felt that I no longer had control over anything. I knew that I was hurting myself by not eating, but I didn't care, I thought that by choosing not to eat, at least I had a little bit of control. In early January I also managed to burn myself on a cup of boiling tea water, it left me with a nasty blister and scar. It was one of those, crap this sucks moments. I will have the scar to remember it by for the rest of my life.

January, however, was not all bad, I went on a trip to California to visit a dear friend in LA. I had some wonderful travel companions, and I had a great time. It was the first time in probably five years that Tom and I spent a night apart. I felt confident and comfortable being with my friends, and having them help me out as needed, I am so thankful to have them all in my life. Tom felt good about the trip as well, he was actually instrumental in me going, I tried to get out of going, but he was persistent, and even bought the tickets etc. I am so happy he was, I regained some freedom I thought was lost forever. There is freedom in friendship and in love....

We also celebrated our Copper Anniversary in January. Most of you probably have no idea what a Copper Anniversary is, but to those of you who don't know, Copper Anniversary is a celebration of 12 1/2 years of marriage. When explaining it to people, I usually say that Danes will use any excuse to eat. drink, and be merry. I wasn't expecting anything, nor did I plan anything for the anniversary, but Tom had! He surprised me with a trip to Orlando where we were going to stay in a bed and breakfast, and attend a George Strait/Martina McBride concert. It was a freezing cold night, but we had a wonderful time just spending time together, we don't do that enough. It was a weekend where we sat up against a sand dune, somewhat safe, but with mortars flying all around us.

Shortly after going to the concert I decided to ask for help with my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. On February 16th I was checked in at an eating disorder clinic at Shands in Gainesville. I spent nearly six weeks there, and got home this past Monday. Being at Shands was both the easiest and the hardest job I have ever had to do. The easiest because I had no choice but to do what I was told, the hardest because I gave up all control and every day I had to do things I did not want to do. I had to eat the food I was served or be given Ensure to drink to make up for it. I had to attend group therapy sessions that were both helpful and painful. I had to spend 14 hours a day in a small room surrounded by people I had not chosen to be around. There are some stories to be told about my experiences at Shands, but they are better told at a different point in time. I left Shands a stronger (and a little bit bigger) person, I learned some skills and acquired some tools that hopefully will help me stay on the right path. I am by no means healthy yet, there is a long way to go, but I am sticking to my meal plan, I have become more assertive, and most of all, I have regained my desire to live.
My desire to live and to have a good life, came about during a tragedy. Yes, tragedy...... My youngest brother, Jesper, passed away from complications with a drain in his head that was supposed to keep water from accumulating on his brain due to hydrocephalus (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002538/). The drain malfunctioned, and the surgery to correct it failed to do so, and the pressure built up, and he finally passed away in his sleep on Monday. It is still very surreal to me to know that he is gone, he was an amazing person, and even though his death seems meaningless, I will not allow it to be. Jesper was a strong person that we all should learn from, life definitely threw its shares of mortars at him, and his entire life he was on Omaha Beach dodging shells and mortars, every so often he would sit with his back against a sand dune, and even though he felt safe, the rest of us always saw the war going on all around him. Jesper never gave up, he was full of life, and happiness, he was a true warrior.

However painful his death is, and trust me, it hurts, I decided that his memory is to important for me, I cannot disappoint him. He showed me the way, and even when wounded he kept crawling until death finally took him away to a better place. I too must keep crawling, my MD will always be here as will my struggles with depression and anxiety, but no one will benefit from me hitting the pause button while waiting for the mortars to come and get me. They will get me no matter what I do, and living is much better than just waiting. All I can do is just to embrace the safety of the occasional sand dune or the comfort of
the cliff.

"I made it to this congregation, and there was quite a bunch of guys there. Now the sand dune has petered out to nothing, but some big cliffs have taken over. It’s the far western end of the beach. Omaha Beach just sort of abruptly ends, and these cliffs come right down to the water. For that little section there, these cliffs were giving quite a bit of safety. And there were hundreds of guys crowded behind it. Some were bandaged, some were wounded, some with their arm in a sling. But they were all dazed, confused. Some didn’t have helmets. Some didn’t have rifles. You couldn’t imagine, these are American soldiers who a few hours ago were full of spirit and energy and here they are so disarrayed and astonished and stunned they didn’t know what the hell they were doing. And in the flat area there were dozens and dozens and dozens of stretchers. It was a pickup aid station. And it seemed like every third guy on a stretcher was one of my buddies, and I said, "Well, that’s why I couldn’t find anybody back there. They’re all down here; they’ve all been wounded." (http://www.tankbooks.com/stories/omaha.htm)

Yesterday I once again managed to burn my hand on boiling water, according to Tom I am done playing with the tea kettle for a while, I think I just need to figure out a different way of pouring water on my tea bags, after all I love tea, and cannot give that up just because I got wounded by a bullet. I will have a new scar to remember it by, and I have to keep moving, I have to remember the stories of Omaha Beach. Stories of courage, resilience, and survival. RIP Jesper until I see you again. Heaven is lucky to have you, and I know you are enjoying the company of farfar and morfar, you might even start to drink flueoel, afterall, they go well with card games and hotdogs.

I love you!

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again." ~Psalms 71:20-21

Peace

P



Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com