Decisions

Last year I was faced with that decision when I had to make the choice as to whether or not I should enter into treatment for my eating disorder.  This Saturday, February 16, will mark the one year anniversary.  I am not sure what to call it, anniversary seems like something you celebrate, and admitting that you can no longer handle things on your own, and putting yourself completely into the hands of others does not seem like it should be celebrated... or should it?

When I look at the quote, I realize that I actually chose both... I chose to walk away from everything for a while in an attempt to find the strength to try harder.  It has been a year now, and I can't help but reflect on the past year.... Did I find the strength to try harder?

Have I fully recovered from my eating disorder?  It would be a flat out lie if I said yes.  I still struggle with body dysmorphia, there is always a whale in the mirror when I happen upon one (a mirror that is, not a whale) .  I still have some very irrational fears when it comes to food, I have strict definitions of which foods are safe and which aren't.  Lately it has become increasingly difficult for me to eat when I am around other people, even if they are people I love and trust.  So, definitely not fully recovered.  

But.... on the other hand, I have won some very tough battles.  I am getting better at setting boundaries, I still don't completely master the skill, but the word NO, has actually made its way into my vocabulary.  I no longer always say "sure" or "yes" when asked to do things I either don't feel like doing, or things I don't have time to do.  The old Pernille, would have worked herself to exhaustion in order to fulfill all her commitments...

The old Pernille would not have accepted the scooter, but the new me embraced it, I now go places and do things I would have never dreamed of doing a year ago.  

I quit a job that wasn't good for me, and I discontinued working on starting my own business when I recognized the signs of "burnout".  A year ago, (actually more like a couple of months ago), I would have looked at the decision as yet another failure. More proof of my inadequacy.  I am not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt at all.  Of course it does, a little, but I am somewhat successful in viewing it as something I tried on for size, and the size was wrong.  Sometimes wearing nothing at all feels better than wearing something that doesn't fit.

This Saturday I am going to be a participant in the annual NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) walk in Tampa, I am proud, that I am well enough celebrate how far I have come, and also how far my friends have come.  I am happy that I will be a part of something bigger than me, something that serves to educate and to make a difference in so many people's lives...

I have been somewhat successful at trying harder.  Rome wasn't built in one day, and even though I am not fully recovered, I do believe that somewhere inside of me there is a little voice encouraging me to try harder. And despite that fact that the  the journey is painful, the voice also tells me to enjoy the process, and the moments where I realize that I am doing something I would not have done a year ago...

Peace

P

Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

Abusing my privilege

For the first time, I am going to use my blog to ask for something... I am going to participate in a NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) walk in Tampa on February 16th.  I am doing it because I have met so many brave men and women fighting eating disorders, I am not alone.  I have met people who have made it out on the other side and recovered completely.  It is possible, but we need more awareness and education.  Please check out my fundraising site.  Do not feel obligated to donate money, but please take a little time to educate yourselves...

Peace
P
My NEDA Walk fundraising page

Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

Cleaning off the Paint Brushes Enjoying the Process Part II

Recently I wrote a blog about enjoying the process without expecting perfection.  See Keeping Hope Journey: Enjoying the Process

This post is somewhat of a continuation of that post.  The ingredients in this post are:

• Canvas
• Mod Podge
• Acrylic Paint
• Stairway to Heaven sheet music
• Scissors
• Misc paint brushes
• Lots of newspaper (to protect the table)
• Old skinny jeans
• Scrap book paper
• Burlap
• Stencil
• Cheesy little words describing life
• Black Sharpie marker
• Equal portions of curiosity, patience,  awe, enjoyment, and poorly lit photos to document the process.

The final product ended up looking like this:

My first ever mixed media art piece,  and I kind of like the outcome, little imperfections and all. Taking a picture to do the project justice was a lot harder than to actually create it.

The purpose of this post is not to describe the process of making a piece of art, but to show to myself and the world, that on a very small scale I am capable of practicing what I preached at the end of the first part of my Enjoying the Process post.

Creating my tree of life took time, much longer than it usually takes me to create a piece of art.  I started out with a blank canvas and the mentioned supplies.  Right now, my life is more or less a blank canvas.  Last year was a BAD year, and over the past couple of weeks I have made some decisions that have helped me create a mostly blank canvas...I decided to give up on starting my own social media marketing and PR business.  My heart wasn't in it, and I no longer enjoyed the process, all it did was to cause me stress.

My goal with the art project was to play around with mixed media, I had never done it before, I had no expectations, and with a blank canvas it seemed like a fun thing to try.

Creating the piece forced me to do what I am terrible at doing in life... It forced me to wait for paint (mostly glue, but paint just sounds better) to dry.  It forced me to take breaks, in which I could think about what I liked about the picture at that point, and to think about what would look nice next.

So far, with my newly created blank canvas of life, I have started to put on the first layer, I have started taking horseback riding lessons.  I go once a week, which gives me time to reflect on what I did and what I learned during the lesson, and it also gives me time to think about what challenges I may want to take on the following week....Right now, the first layer is drying.  Another layer I have added is that I have started to attend DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) at FSU's psychology clinic.  This is a thick layer, as it required a long term commitment on my part, it is suggested that you attend group therapy once a week for about a year. It is a thick layer, but much like the horseback riding, I am forced to every single week let the layer dry...and weekly I will need to carefully tweak it to make it better.

I have yet to start really adding color to my picture, but I have a few colors in mind I may try out over the next few months...

I have no idea what the final picture will look like, I just know that by slowly adding a layer at a time, the canvas may some day show a picture, a picture with imperfections I am sure, but none the less a picture I created by simply reflecting, tasting, smelling, listening, and most importantly... By enjoying the process.

Peace Friends.

P

Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com