Thursday, February 14, 2013

Decisions


Last year I was faced with that decision when I had to make the choice as to whether or not I should enter into treatment for my eating disorder.  This Saturday, February 16, will mark the one year anniversary.  I am not sure what to call it, anniversary seems like something you celebrate, and admitting that you can no longer handle things on your own, and putting yourself completely into the hands of others does not seem like it should be celebrated... or should it?

When I look at the quote, I realize that I actually chose both... I chose to walk away from everything for a while in an attempt to find the strength to try harder.  It has been a year now, and I can't help but reflect on the past year.... Did I find the strength to try harder?

Have I fully recovered from my eating disorder?  It would be a flat out lie if I said yes.  I still struggle with body dysmorphia, there is always a whale in the mirror when I happen upon one (a mirror that is, not a whale) .  I still have some very irrational fears when it comes to food, I have strict definitions of which foods are safe and which aren't.  Lately it has become increasingly difficult for me to eat when I am around other people, even if they are people I love and trust.  So, definitely not fully recovered.  

But.... on the other hand, I have won some very tough battles.  I am getting better at setting boundaries, I still don't completely master the skill, but the word NO, has actually made its way into my vocabulary.  I no longer always say "sure" or "yes" when asked to do things I either don't feel like doing, or things I don't have time to do.  The old Pernille, would have worked herself to exhaustion in order to fulfill all her commitments...

The old Pernille would not have accepted the scooter, but the new me embraced it, I now go places and do things I would have never dreamed of doing a year ago.  

I quit a job that wasn't good for me, and I discontinued working on starting my own business when I recognized the signs of "burnout".  A year ago, (actually more like a couple of months ago), I would have looked at the decision as yet another failure. More proof of my inadequacy.  I am not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt at all.  Of course it does, a little, but I am somewhat successful in viewing it as something I tried on for size, and the size was wrong.  Sometimes wearing nothing at all feels better than wearing something that doesn't fit.

This Saturday I am going to be a participant in the annual NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) walk in Tampa, I am proud, that I am well enough celebrate how far I have come, and also how far my friends have come.  I am happy that I will be a part of something bigger than me, something that serves to educate and to make a difference in so many people's lives...

I have been somewhat successful at trying harder.  Rome wasn't built in one day, and even though I am not fully recovered, I do believe that somewhere inside of me there is a little voice encouraging me to try harder. And despite that fact that the  the journey is painful, the voice also tells me to enjoy the process, and the moments where I realize that I am doing something I would not have done a year ago...

Peace

P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com

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