Eighty-Nine Cents in the ash tray
Half empty bottle of Gatorade rolling in the floorboard
The words are the first two lines of Lee Brice's song "I Drive Your Truck", I turn the volume up, and remember. The song is about how a man is dealing with the grief associated with the loss of a brother. It was a year ago, Yesterday, that my brother, Jesper, passed away. I was talking about it with a friend the other day, and he responded with the usual cliche "WOW, time sure does fly". My response back to him was "Yes, it does. I have also heard that time is supposed to heal, but apparently it is unable to do both at the same time".
The truth is, that the pain of losing my brother is no less today than it was a year ago, the wound is raw, the grief is awful. He is gone, he is not coming back....
I jokingly told Tom, that if I were to assign a gender to time, it would be male, due to its inability to multitask....
For the last several days before the "anniversary" I was wondering how I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed to do etc. I didn't want to do the wrong thing. It turns out, that there are no rights or wrongs, only the moment.... Despite being one of the saddest days, Yesterday, in its own right, also turned out to be a good day.
Jesper's favorite color was red, I don't have any red shirts, so to honor him I made myself a red friendship bracelet with black stripes to wear, it went on my left wrist right next to the forget me not tattoo I have to remember and honor him by. It felt good!
I spoke to my mom on the phone for a very long time, one of the highlights of the day!
Rather than wondering how I was supposed to feel, I just allowed myself to feel, to cry, to honor, and to remember....
Jesper had an amazing spirit, and the ability to live in the moment....
While speaking with my mother, I enjoyed the moment
When I attached the bracelet to my wrist I enjoyed the moment
When I cried because I missed him, I felt in the moment....
There is a lot to be said about being moments.....
Later, last night, my perception of time did change just a little bit....time hasn't healed the pain of Jesper's passing, however, time allowed me to feel a deep happiness a midst all the pain, when I found out that I am once again going to be an aunt!!!!
Maybe time doesn't heal, maybe time just equips us with the ability to feel more than one thing at a time without conflicts..... I am very sad and very happy, and I have no problems feeling both emotions at the same time.....
So maybe, rather than being unable to multitask, time is much more than I have ever given it credit for. Maybe time does heal in its own subtle ways, maybe it is a gift God has sent us to learn about moments...
I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said goodbye
Shook my fist and asked God why
These days when I'm missing you this much
I sing along, loudly, when Lee Brice gets to this part, and I hope time never changes that.
Peace
P
