Anna and Carrie

I miss writing.... Very few things have moved me in a way that has allowed me to write a blog post for a long time. It is not that I am lacking subjects to write about, but I have just really struggled with expressing myself. 2012 has been a year I don't ever wish to repeat, and I know in my heart 2013 will be better. Yesterday I was introduced to a young lady called Anna. Anna Rexia, is her full name. She is a Halloween costume depicting a girl with anorexia. You can read about Anna here <"http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/07/sexy-anorexia-halloween-costume-controversy/"> I was a little flabbergasted, to say the least, when my friend introduced me to Anna. I mean really???? Who would think that making a costume like that is funny. A little later, I started thinking a little more about the costume, and what it symbolized. To me, the costume, albeit being very distasteful, yet again showed me how ignorant people are, when it comes to understanding eating disorders. I honestly don't think there was any malicious intent when the costume was created, only ignorance. I do, as most of you probably know, suffer from an eating disorder myself. I was in treatment for nearly six weeks earlier this year. Whereas I don't doubt that the wonderful people at Shands in Gainesville played a huge part in the fact that I am still alive, and still fighting, I do know that the only person who can fight the fight, and hopefully win, is me. Starting to eat again is so much more than just a decision, it is hard work. Every single day I fight with food. Food is medicine, I need it to live, but a lot of people have no idea about all the struggles associated with wanting to recover. I want it all...... I want to live and be healthy, I want to no longer be afraid of food, but I also don't want to gain any weight, I don't want to be fat. One of the hardest things to deal with when you suffer from an eating disorder, is body dysmorphia...body dysmorphia is a disorder, where the individual perceives a part of his or her body to have a defect. To me, my "defect" is that when I look in the mirror I don't see me, I only see fat. Yup, I have no idea what I look like. I don't compare myself to pictures in magazines, I never did, but every time we go out I look at women and try to figure out what I look like, and according to Tom, I am always smaller than the women I pick. Really??? To return to my new acquaintance, Anna, as I said, I think the costume shows nothing but ignorance... Unfortunately, this ignorance is prevalent in society. While at Shands, we were talking about people, and we tried to prepare for some of the things we would meet when getting back into the real world. The biggest misconception I have encountered, is when people, out of kindness, offer me food that is high in calories and fat, thinking that I want to gain weight, that all I need is just to eat their fried chicken, or their pork stew. These people are nothing but kind, they have my best interest at heart, but.... if they only knew the pain of the knife stabbing me every time I am told to just eat, to eat a cheese burger, to eat pork stew, to eat fried chicken, they would not be doing it. In addition to dealing with, and accepting that I have a warped view of my body, it is so incredibly hard to just allow people to be people. There are so many kind remarks, that to a person with an eating disorder are nothing but painful, they stab, and at times confirm my feelings of being fat. A short while ago, a person told me that I had gained some weight, and that it was good to see some meat on me. The comment was meant as a compliment, but to me, the person might as well have called me a fat cow.... I can't change the world, people are ignorant, I am ignorant. But if there is one thing I want to do in 2013, it is to educate....The Anna Rexia costume to me is not different than a C(arrie) Ripple costume making fun of a person with a disability, or the John Downs costume depicting a person born with downs syndrome.. Eating Disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are real, deadly diseases.... Please educate yourselves... You can read more on the following websites: and http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/?gclid=CP_9jq3-nLQCFQ2znQodqWgAbw Peace, P Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com