Enjoying the Process

It is Saturday night, I am contently sitting in my chair, resting after a pretty good day.  I went horseback riding TWICE and I did not fall off.

Tom is out with some friends.  I was browsing through the channels on our TV, and there really isn't a lot on on a Saturday night.  I  briefly looked at a new VH1 show called Black Ink or something like that.  It is yet another completely brain dead reality show designed to do nothing but make you feel good and normal...  Well I am not normal, so I decided to sit down, enjoy some writing while listening to an 80's radio station on Spotify.

I am a terrible decision maker.... I don't have trouble making decisions (other than what to wear when I leave home.....), I make a lot of decisions, but I seem to change my mind with the same frequency.  The decisions I have made often have to do with the ancient question "What do I want to be when I grow up?".  The answer to the question has been clear to me for a few years.  "I want to be the first person to beat muscular dystrophy".  Nothing more, nothing less....Pretty simple eh? Well um no.... It is not that simple at all, because it is not a realistic goal, it is impossible.  I cannot cure myself of MD.  S@(*(*^*# I finally said it. I cannot cure myself of MD, and you know what.  It is so very painful to accept it, especially since it has been my ONLY wish for years.  And the truth is... I am not even close to accepting in, I am just in the middle of a very painful process.

By being so occupied (OK obsessed) with wanting to create my own miracle, I have lost sight of all the little things in life, that make this world a wonderful place, the things that give meaning to life DESPITE the fact that I have MD.  Nothing matters as long as I have MD.  I don't care that:

• I am a good teacher, who cares? there are thousands of able bodied people out there that are exceptional teachers...
• I know how to knit, So what?  there are tons of able bodied people out there who knit much better than I do, so why does it matter, it is not as if I will be able to open a hat and scarf store when I can only follow simple patterns...
• I can make jewelry that people like.   But when I look at Etsy.com  it is clear that my jewelry is nothing compared to what other people sell on there.
• I am a good cook... Awesome.... but I don't want to eat the food, it is dangerous.....at least that it what my eating disorder is telling me.
• I am a somewhat decent writer, cool beanz, but it doesn't pay the bills
• I am intelligent, sure, but what good is a decent intelligence when I refuse to use it because I loathe myself for not being perfect at the above mentioned skills and when I minimize its significance because I have MD..? 

Because of my obsession with beating MD, I have set some extremely high standards for myself.  If I am not perfect at what I do, it doesn't matter.  My mind made up the notion that since I have a disability, I am entitled to be perfect at something.  Twisted, right?  But that is none the less the prison I have put myself into.    

My twisted pursuit for perfection is what makes me so exceptionally good at making decisions, every time something sparks a little interest I dive in feet first thinking that this is it... This is what I will be perfect at, this is what will make my feelings of inadequacy shrink to a tolerable level, this might be what will make me be better able to work with my limitations rather than constantly fight them....

I thought I would make a good business person, so I went to business school, I even got a Masters Degree in Management from Colorado Technical University.  But err well yeah, not so much, I am not cut out for the back stabbing, lying and cheating I saw the few years I spent working in the business world.

• STRIKE 1... I am a failure, I am not ruthless. I spent years and years going to school, got myself into debt only to figure out that being a "fancy" business person wasn't for me...

Well, maybe being a teacher would be a good match, I kind of like sharing my knowledge with people.  I became a substitute teacher (it was the only job I could get, no businesses hire project managers with low self esteem).  I didn't know I had MD at the time, but something was up.  Walking the hallways in fear of being knocked over by the kids really took away from the joy I probably could have felt.

•  STRIKE 2... I am a failure, I can't even do a job that basically only requires you to babysit.  Why? Because I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to teach the kids what I could while I was their teacher.  But they didn't care, they were used to disillusioned subs with no desire for anything but a meager paycheck every other week.  I would probably have ended up as one of them had I continued....

Maybe I shouldn't give up teaching right away... I got my temporary license, and when we moved to Tallahassee I got a job with a private tutoring business. It could have been enjoyable, but once again my perfectionism got in the way. I was so passionate about these kids, I really really wanted to help them, and even though I know for a fact that I did make a difference in many lives it just wasn't enough. Every time I was unable to reach that really difficult kid, it ended up stressing me out.  When a student really struggled in school I would spend hours at home trying to figure out how to help.

• STRIKE 3... I am a failure... I can't change the life of every single student I encounter.  It was my job to help, and sometimes I failed.  I wasn't perfect...off with my head... jump into a deep hole without a ladder to help you get out.  At least I can't screw things up down there.....Three strikes and you are out!

I could continue with all my perceived failures from now on until the end of the world, as we established earlier in the blog, anything short of perfection is a failure as long as I have MD.

But.....Yesterday I ran into two different thoughts... The first being the picture below:

That's it.... I am still a child trying to figure out what I want to do and what I want to be, I bought into the misconception that you are grown up when you leave college... so no wonder that I failed. I didn't have the house, dog, two and a half kids, volvo, and career as so many seem to have by the time I turned 25.  I could be of those people who will just keep dabbling without ever settling  I hope not, because most of my dabbling ventures have turned into what I perceive to be disasters..... I am pretty close to a 90% success rate there..It is, however,  good to know that I still have about two years of childhood left.  If I haven't figured it out by the time I turn 40, I should find comfort in the possibility of having about 20 years of teen angst to look forward to .... It's all good as long as I don't really have to grow up...

The second thought, really wasn't my thought, it came from me telling someone that I can let go of my obsession with perfection when doing art.  I truly truly truly enjoy the process of creating a piece of art.  It is soothing, comforting, and there is no pressure.  The reason why there is no pressure is that I have no ambitions to become a new Salvador Dali, Rembrandt, or Picasso.  That would be crazy, I can't even draw a stick man without using a stencil.  But guess what it does not matter... it is the process that I like... I set out to do something with no expectations for the outcome other than having been able to explore, while being able to express thoughts and feelings without having to use words.  My art does not have to be perfect.

I wonder if it would be possible to apply that concept to life?  Would it be possible that the next time I find the right match that I would be able to just enjoy the process, of exploring, touching, feeling, smelling, tasting etc before deciding whether or not it is something I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life?   Would it be possible to approach life as an art project, where all I expect out of it is the best I can do, and be happy with that?  Would it be possible for me not to consider every failed venture as a strike against my value as a human being?

To be continued.............

P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com