As you may have noticed in my recent blogs, I am currently going through a "process" that is dominated by confusion, anger, self pity, self loathing, and hopelessness. OK, this sounds really bad, but the truth is that lately I have been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do with my life. Clearly, what I have done so far is not working.....
I have always had a strong drive to help people, it is really nothing I have sought after, it is just there. Sometimes I have success, and sometimes, my lack of ability to set healthy boundaries get me into some deep water... However, that being said... I like to help people...
During a conversation with a friend about a week ago, we spoke about how I am confused about what I want to do, what I am good at etc, and I said that I felt that the statement "I just want to help people" is a cliche. But that is really what I want to do: help people. The reason for the cliche statement was, that I don't think there is such a thing as true altruism, OK never say never, I know there are examples of completely selfless people out there, but in the population at large, I think it is very rare.
I want to help people because it makes me feel good, it makes God happy, and I like to make God happy...I, for one know that my altruism can fit into a very small spot....When I was teaching I know that I helped a lot of young people, I know that I made a difference in some lives. As a matter of fact, I ran into a former student the other day, who told me that she has changed her college major to become a math teacher because of me....That made me feel good, but the stress and need for results, took away the pleasure of helping these kids. I always cared about the kids and my first priority was always to do everything in my power to help them. But.... I found no peace in it....Thus.... my altruism fits in a very small spot. If all I desired was to help other people, I should have been happy doing what I was doing....
However, when I drive down the road and see a homeless person standing out in the heat with no food or drink (I know I am a sucker, and that some of them aren't really homeless etc), it makes me happy to give them a bottle of Gatorade, a granola bar, or whatever else I may have in the car at the time. It feels good, I don't like seeing people suffer, and God tells us to help those less fortunate than us. I always fool myself into thinking that there are no strings attached, and that I just give people food and drink out of the goodness of my heart, but there is always the thought in the back of my head thinking; hopefully someone will do the same for me if I am ever in that situation, or the creepy nasty "I am happy it isn't me" thought.
Strings or no strings...I have decided that I want to spend more time being something for others, because I like to help others, because it makes me feel useful, needed, and best of all... it makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside because it makes both me and God happy.
My goal for the near future will be to explore, to learn, and to "enjoy the process" of trying out things, even if it is just to cross them off the list as "bad options". Who knows where it will bring me....
Peace
P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment