Lately I seem to have lacked a little in the inspirational department, it is not for lack of being around intelligent and inspirational people, but rather because we have been really busy since we got back from Denmark. We have literally not had a day to just sit down and breathe until today. I did write a long blog last week, only to delete it again because I got mad at God!!! I felt inspired that day, and the blog dealt with how, when I look back, I can see that God has played an active part in my life for years, and how I just kept ignoring all the signs he sent me.
A friend of mine wrote a blog on signs earlier today and I determined that I should try to recreate at least the spirit of last week's blog, who knows, maybe her blog from today was a sign for me to get going.....
Tom and I have, as I have mentioned before been attending church at a church called Centerpoint for the past few months. I think that Centerpoint is the ultimate example of how my human free will, and the will of God can get into wrestling matches only to always have God's will come out ahead. It is called Irresistible Grace I understand that now. When we are at Centerpoint I just feel at home, it is a feeling that is hard to express, it is nothing big and major that makes me want to jump for joy, but rather a deep warm feeling of belonging and contentment. I know God's presence is the reason for that feeling, but I think that he is using the other members to show me how he can be present in human beings. Who knows? I can only hope that one day I will find what they have, and maybe people will be able to sense God's presence in me.
Let me return to the so called signs God has been throwing at me. I am pretty sure God's purpose for me is to be here in Tallahassee, I probably chose the path myself, believing it would lead one way only to end up somewhere totally unexpected. I think of the life Gos has planned for us like a maze with a short route, a medium route, and a long and winding road all of which lead to the center, the place God wants you to be. God is not mean, nor does he play tricks, but he did provide us with free will and through our choices in life, we end up taking one of the previously mentioned roads. Most of us are probably taking the long and winding road, and at times I believe it is probably the most scenic route.
Has my road been scenic? I am not sure, it has most definitely been colorful, but at times also scenic. I hate my MD and what it does to me, and I don't think that will ever change, I will go down fighting. Unfortunately I think that stubbornness could be causing me to take the ugly detour at times. I don't knowingly choose the ugly detour, and I am sure I could have avoided some of them had I just learned the lessons I should have learned from them.
At church today, the sermon was based on ACTs 17:23, the preacher spoke about how we all search for something, and that we are restless. He said that as long as we are restless it will be hard for us to completely live the life we are meant to live as Christians. He said that what we need to do is to let Christ be in charge, and by doing that we will get rid of the restlessness. I am definitely still restless, and keep searching for answers in all the wrong places.
My point with this blog is that I now understand the concept of predestination and irresistible grace. A seed was planted somewhere in me years and years ago, I kept throwing Round Up at it, but the pesky little thing would not go away, quite the opposite. God kept feeding it Miracle Grow and finally, it ended up taking over, to a point where I could no longer ignore the existence of God in my life. I still don't know what the implications will be, I guess only time will tell. So far I am only a rookie blindly trying to find my way to first base. I can do nothing to deserve God's Grace and I should feel comfort in that, I want to feel comfort in it. But it is just so hard for me to understand and accept that no matter what I do, my MD will only be better or go away if He wishes for it to go away, you don't strike bargains with God. I also know that I have so much more I can offer besides trying to fight the MD, but for some reason I don't care that I am a good teacher, cook, wife, as long as I am not healthy. I am sorry I can't do better.
P
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