Stuck

I am sure that at some point in our lives, we all experience feelings of being stuck, or captured in a place we really don't want to be. I am stuck in that place right now, and finding a way out is easier said than done. Right now I am tired of fighting, just plain tired. It is hard to keep up hope, when there is very little to hope for. Sometimes I feel as if all the work I do to keep the MD from progressing to much before the cure or treatment is found, is all in vain. I know that I cannot say that it is in vain, we don't know that a cure won't be found tomorrow, but I do know that right now that does not appear to be the case. A lot of research is being done to find cures and treatments for MD, but the truth is that I no longer see a realistic chance of a cure or treatment before it is to late for me. I am not an expert, but I have heard from several sources that even if a cure is found, it will take 5 - 10 years before it will be accessible. 5-10 years is a long time, especially when you don't have a starting point.

I still keep fighting, as I do have a lot to fight for, I am, in many ways a very lucky person, I have a husband and family that loves me, great friends, a nice house, and probably the best dog in the world. There are people out there, who would kill for what I have, so I probably should be more thankful. I am not, MD, even when you have people to talk to, is a very lonely disease. You are the only one who knows what is going on with your body, and no matter how hard or often I try to share my fears with people, I don't think that anyone will ever truly understand.

We all deal with our disabilities in different ways, some better than other. I have found that faith to some extent is a common factor amongst the people who seem to have come to terms with their disease. My search has brought me a long way, and at times I feel peace when praying, but somehow, my brain is still playing tricks on me. I have a hard time getting rid of the "human" approach to God and Jesus. I tend to project human attributes on to God, and make him less than he really is. The concept of omniscience, and that God can do anything he wants still hasn't quite made it through that hard scull of mine. It is also hard for me to understand that God is not punishing me, but has a plan for me, I hate not having any control over where I go. Ok ok ok no body has any control, I know, and I should not feel special, so I will try not to. However, we all have choices to make in life, and those choices give us some kind of control. What I hate is that at times I feel as if I have been robbed of my choices, and thereby also any kind of control. I know it is nonsense, I have a lot of choices to make, but I don't have the choices I want, I really miss my independence, my ability to just do whatever I want without depending on other people.

I am perfectly aware that I can complain about my lost independence from now on and until the end of the world. I also know that I do have some choices and possibilities, that could give me back some of my independence, but for some odd and irrational reason, my brain wants it all or nothing, compromise is not an option.

I suppose that all I can do, is to mosey on while I hang on to the little ray of hope I need to have in my heart, no matter how faint it is.

Peace Out

P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com