Empty and Full

Right now Jesus, or in this case, a much younger Max Von Sydov, it entering Jerusalem. I have never actually seen the movie The Greatest Story Ever Told, but appropriately enough it is being shown on TV right now. We picked it up right when Jesus entered Jerusalem on the donkey. This morning, at church, I once again started thinking, I am not quite sure about this whole thinking thing, deep thoughts seem to lead to yet deeper thoughts and so on. Todd, who preached this morning, based his sermon on the word empty, and the importance of the word empty in the Christian faith. Without the empty tomb, there would be no Christianity as Christ would have been a mere human, and not who he claimed he was. It is really all very interesting, as it is because of the empty tomb, that I now feel very full.

I am full at several different levels, my stomach is definitely full I can, however, not pin that one on Christ, I take complete responsibility for overeating. But, my brain is also full. I have learned so much over the past several months, and I have met so many new and inspiring people, and there are times when I really struggle with putting it all together. I feel very divided, I feel and see how Christ works in people, and I see how he has placed a lot of things right there for me to grab so that I too will be able to feel him, and understand his unconditional love for me. But as I mentioned, I do feel very divided, the best way of describing it is probably the feeling of being two different people at the same time. There is a part of me, that really really really wants to accept that there is a reason why I have MD, but also that I may never know that reason. The part knows that God did not give me this out of malicious intent, but because there is a purpose for me to fulfill. This part is also a very rational being, understanding, that to achieve the best possible quality of life, I must choose a different battleground, the battleground Christ chose for me. However, the other part, the irrational and unfortunately also dominating part of me, has no intention of switching battlegrounds, it only has one goal, namely for the MD to go away at any cost, nothing more, nothing less, and it intends on fighting that fight forever. The fight, as it is now, can only have one outcome, and it is not a favorable one neither for the rational me nor for the irrational me. But yet I cannot let go. I pray daily, that Christ will help me, that he will show me how, and where he wants me to go. It is really stupid as he has already shown me, but unfortunately, the irrational part, is just acting like a spoiled two year old holding her ears while screaming loudly and pretending not to hear, while also drowning out the voice making it impossible for the rational me to follow directions.

Why do I have such a hard time accepting the hand I was dealt? Why does my brain refuse to listen to the messages that are so clearly communicated to me? Christ, has given me so much, and he keeps giving, but yet I am not satisfied, as the things that matter most to me are things I can't have, while I don't use and appreciate the gifts I have been given. Is this where free will comes into play? I can choose to take the path lined up for me by Christ, a difficult path, as MD is no walk in the park with or without Christ, but a path where I none the less use the gifts I have been given, and have the comfort of knowing that Christ is right there beside me?, or I can choose to take the path I am currently taking, where I am creating additional obstacles to the already difficult walk in the park.

The movie is over, Jesus rose from the dead, he kept his promise, he did it for me and for all of you, I cannot even begin to imagine what he went through, and here I am, sitting comfortably on my couch, with a loving husband, a whining dog (he thinks that whining gets him treats, not sure where he learned that???), a sleeping cat, and a very full belly, and think that it is OK for me to complain. What is wrong with that picture? Why does the irrational me keep knocking down the rational me?

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter, I did, I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful outdoors service this morning, the rest of the day was spent in the great company of new and old friends, and the Easter Bunny even remembered me this year, what else can a girl ask for?

P

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