I have been struggling a little with writer's block this past week, it is the first time since starting my blog that i have been drawing blanks several days in a row. Fall has arrived in Tallahassee, last night I smelled our tea olive bush for the first time this year, and Saturday night we roasted S'mores on a fire in our backyard. I can highly recommend strawberry flavored marshmallows!
I went to see my neurologist for a regular follow up Yesterday, he was impressed with my progress and said that he definitely wants to keep me on the albuterol. He encouraged me to keep and eye out for clinical trials, and that he would do the same. I just went through a list of all clinical trials for MD, and it was pretty much a jungle, but none of them pertained to me at all, I am not a 12 year old boy.
You would think that getting a pat on the back from my neurologist would make me feel really good about myself. But I really didn't, I wanted to impress him, I wanted him to be proud of me, and I wanted him to tell me that I had been misdiagnosed and just needed to take extra multivitamins for a few months, and all would be good. I got two out of three, but the only one that really mattered to me was the one I can never have, the misdiagnosis. I felt as if I was asking for a new video game system, and got the controller, the TV, but not the console.
I am still reading and listening to a lot of podcasts about Christianity. I have noticed a pattern, that kind of intrigues me. When choosing a podcast for the day, I usually choose one that has some relevance to how I am feeling that day, so there really are no coincidences there. However, several evenings, when I have been reading in bed, the exact same subject will be brought up and described in the book I am reading at the time. I guess the guy upstairs wants me to get things from as many angles as possible, he probably knows that I am a little slow to catch on.
I believe that God exists, and I am still angry with him. I think we are in a little bit of a power struggle. Those of you who know God better than I do, will probably tell me that you cannot be in a power struggle with God, but I feel as if I am. I feel defiant like a three year old, I am telling him that as long as he does not let me into his "life" I will not let him into mine. I have a streak of stubbornness, so we could be in for a long struggle. The joke here probably is, that by accepting that he exists I am already in his life, I just don't know where to find myself. It feels as if I am outside a big bubble looking in at the world. I am lost, and jumping up and down to catch someone's attention. I want this someone to let me in and take over to make sure I go where I need to go.
I think that I am probably being petty and making a fool out of myself, as God is so much bigger than me, and so much more than I will ever be able to understand. But what God needs to understand, is that I have been on this earth for nearly 36 years without having any significant contact with him. I am dealing with 36 years of learned human behavior, it doesn't go away over night, and if he doesn't make me feel welcome in terms I can understand, how am I supposed to welcome him in terms we both understand?. He didn't have to wait nearly 36 years before he threw me a bone, it is after all hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com
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