I finished my last blog stating that I have decided that there is a God, but also that I am mad at him! After writing the post I started wondering if you can believe in God and be mad at him at the same time, and I decided that you can, so I still am. I understand, that by accepting that there is a God, I also have to accept that he created me, and that I am completely at his Grace. Is Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior? He might be, but first he needs to be moved off the s___ list and onto my good side!
The God I have been reading about lately, is not really a God, that encourages a lot of questions or doubts. Time after time the Bible states that God has something better in store for us, and that no matter what is happening in our lives, it is ultimately for the best! I guess we are dealing with limited atonement here, or the clay pot from Rom 9:21 The passage basically says that a potter has the right to decide what to do with his clay, just like God has the right to decide what to do with his creation. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about why God allows disease and suffering in the world, and I am not sure I have quite accepted the answer, but I do get that if you don’t know what bad is, then it is a lot harder to identify good. I know that I probably got MD for some reason that he knows and that I might figure out. That is why I am mad at him! He could give me a few hints here and there you know! I seem to just flow with the wind and try first one thing, then another without ever feeling completely fulfilled with what I do. See, if God would just give me a few pointers, I might be going in the right direction rather than just fumbling around in the dark! I know that sometimes I search for the answers in all the wrong places, by looking inside myself and not liking what I see. I am not sure I will ever be able to live up to the expectations I set for myself, a kind of opposite self-centeredness I suppose. Could God be trying to tell me to get real, and look at the world around me rather than the one within me? If he is, why then, do I keep searching for the acceptance of others, when I know that it will not lead to the acceptance of myself? Today I was reminded that when someone gives me a compliment, I get confused and don’t know what to do with it.
Sleep tight., if I have time, I will take on the really bad things tomorrow. In the big picture, MD is but a tiny crack in the polish of a clay pot, but in my world, it is everything when I allow it to be.
P
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