When I posted my last post, only about five minutes ago, I noticed that I had had exactly 1000 hits on my blog. HOLY COW I don't even know that many people, so thank you to those of you who keep reading time after time. I also know I have emails I need to respond to, they will come!
As many of you probably noticed I did not have a good day on Monday, I have received a lot of positive feedback on the post. OK the good ship Denial narrowly escaped the hurricane, but it was definitely side swept by it, and even though a side swipe is not as bad as a direct hit, it still requires some cleaning up. I am still working on picking up the pieces I dropped on Monday. I am not yet sure where to start, for those of you who have experienced a tropical system, you will know that it can be followed by a lot of rain for a few days, making it hard to determine where to begin.
Seeing people with MD on TV, somehow triggered a reaction to my biggest fear, I shouldn't have watched the show, it was stupid of me. It turned me into a petty, jealous person, wanting other people to hurt the way I do. The truth is, I would never wish this or any chronic disease on anyone.
On Monday I had a feeling of getting no return on my investment, deep inside I know I am getting some kind of return, just not the kind I am looking for. Yesterday I went shopping alone at Kohl's for the first time in who knows how long, that is a victory, but being who I am, I want the mall, Kohl's, despite their awesome clearance racks, just isn't good enough.
For the entire week I felt absolutely no inspiration to write, my honesty on Monday actually scared me, I let you see the weak me. I want to be this strong person, who isn't intimidated by much. A person who faces her fate with grace and dignity and not with self pity, pettiness, and self loathing. The truth is that sometimes life intimidates the crap out of me, and when that happens I just want to throw my hands in the air, curl up into a little ball roll into a corner, and ask y'all to please leave me alone! Did you know that that is the hardest but most important urge to fight? Once you are curled up, uncurling is very hard to do, and I am the only one who will be able to do it, I am the only one who can decide to continue my fight.
However, when I feel the support from Tom, from my family, from you, from my friends at the pool, and from the stranger, who told me that I was a true inspiration to her, it is a little easier to stay uncurled.
My five good things for today are:
I get to spend the afternoon watching football with friends, I don't like football, but I do like my friends
I am bringing Bowl of Cheese and may even eat a little of it even though it spells instant heart attack
James is lying on my feet
I have great friends who without knowing it helped me figure out where to start cleaning up after the near hit
Tom and I got to watch a humming bird in the backyard earlier.
Peace!
P
Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com
:)
ReplyDelete