I'm thankful for.....

Last night, Tom went out with a couple of his friends, so I am letting him sleep in, I can be a good wife every once in a while. No, I actually enjoy this time of peacandof quiet to just think. Unfortunately I think that thinking, or pondering, as I like to call it is underrated, today's life does not really allow for us to ever just sit down and think. Thanksgiving is still a week and a half away, but I have some things I am very thankful for at this moment. I will not be mentioning names, but I hope that those of you I am referring to, will recognize yourselves.

The past few weeks, I have done things I haven't done for a long time, things I thought impossible, and it was really not until I sat down and thought about it, that I realized what it really is I have done. I have taken back a huge part of the freedom I have lost. OK, I am not cured, I still have MD, and I will not be running the Jingle Bell Run anytime soon, but I have done some things I had given up on, things that caused me great pain when I would think about them.

Personally I believe that the biggest victory is that I allowed someone who was not Tom to help me out. I have for years stayed out of situations where I would need help and Tom would either be unable to be there, or just be the odd one out (you really don't bring your husband along to a girls' night out). People have often offered to help me out, but I have not been able to accept the help, I have felt humiliated, and just uncomfortable having people touch me, even if it is only pulling at my belt hoops to help support me etc. The other night I allowed a friend to help me out! When I went horseback riding I allowed people to help me out, and when I went to Tampa with FDOA a few weeks back I also depended on someone who was not Tom to help me, and to make sure I stayed safe.

I have previously complained about how the lack of independence is the worst part of MD, and the fact that I walk like a duck, and have general low self esteem embarrasses me, and many of you have repeatedly said to me that I should not let the MD define me and that I am not MD. Today I know I am not, don't jump for joy just yet, I could just be a moment of clarity, but I do want to tell you about this past week and about my plans for the next few days, and then compare them to how I would have handled this weekend a few weeks ago.

Earlier this week I went out for a birthday lunch with a friend, it was at a bar with high chairs, so seating was no issue, but I went on my own, and asked my friend for help and support when I felt insecure. That day I was also wearing my awesome new boots. Most of you probably take putting on shoes and boots for granted, I am not going to go into details other than, the video would have gone viral on youtube had it been taped when I put them on, but I was going to wear them come hell or high water or whatever the saying is. I kept the boots on until bedtime that night!

Later today I am going out for lunch with a couple of my friends, friends, that obviously don't care about my disability or they would have said no to coming. I will need Tom's help to get up at the restaurant as the chairs are fairly low, but he has graciously agreed to drop me off, do next week's grocery shopping and then come back and get me when we are done.

Tonight, a friend of mine is celebrating her birthday at a local bar/restaurant. We had already said we would come when Tom was offered tickets to tonight's Seminole game. I told Tom that I would ask my friend if they would mind being my buffer at the restaurant so that he could go to the game, and she was more than happy to do that. Tom appeared more insecure about the arrangement than I did. The tickets fell through so he will be coming tonight anyway. But for a moment we were in a place where none of us had to make a sacrifice in order for the other to do what he/she wanted.

Monday I will be going to an Indian lunch buffet with a friend, once again without Tom, and once again accepting the help from someone other than him. The friend I am going out for lunch with has also said that if I ever want to go shopping, she would like to come along.

All right, a few weeks ago, I would have worn flipflops (I love flip flops, don't get me wrong, but half the reason I always wear them is out of convenience, and because it is hard for me to find shoes etc that are easy to walk in). I would have done the birthday lunch. The friend I went with is one of the people I am the most comfortable around, and whom I care deeply about!

Accepting help from my friend as I did the other night, and as I would be willing to do tonight to allow for Tom to go to the game would have been completely out of the question a few weeks ago. Tom would have missed out on the game or if he had been offered the tickets before we had been invited to the party I would have stayed home and gone to bed early. Tonight, Tom and I could have gone out separately for the first time in years, it will not happen, but I feel good about knowing that the option was considered.

The lunch at the Indian buffet on Monday was suggested by my friend, she knows she will need to help me, and by asking me to go out for lunch at a buffet (will need to get up and down etc) means that she doesn't care, she wants lunch with me.

I am incredible thankful for those of you who have been reading my blog, and shown your support. Some of you have allowed me to vent and cry when needed! I have said this before, I had no idea that people would be interested in my story. I actually haven't met most of you face to face, but your support and encouragement makes me feel that I do!

I am still enjoying my spiritual search, and you know what, I enjoy it even more than I have been as I now have a travel companion! Tom enjoyed going to church with me last Sunday, and told me that he had wanted to go on the trip with me for years, but that he didn't want to push it because of everything else that was going on inside my little head. We have been talking quite a bit about what Christianity means, and what we want from it. Well you can't really choose what you want from it, but I think you get my point! Last night, when he was on his way to his friend's house, he called me and told me that he accidentally put the radio on a Christian program, and the preacher there explained the concept of predestination, and that he now knew what I had been talking about.

I am thankful for all of you, and I am thankful for having found a little bit of self esteem that has helped bring a little bit of the Kick a__ girl I once knew back out.

P

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