Patience

If patience really is a virtue I am not a very virtuous person. As mentioned last week I am playing the waiting game. I am not sure if the waiting has just gone into overtime, or if it is finally going somewhere. My neurologist called me todayto tell me that he is still on board with the Albuterol experiment, but that he wants me to see a cardiologist to make sure I won't have any heart complications from it. I am not going to pretend that I am not disappointed, I am, but I also fully understand that he wants to make sure I will not have any serious complications, he is after all trying to keep me alive.

It does wear on my patience though. I read a definition of patience as the ability to tolerate delay. I am about ready to burst wide open, I feel like someone put a carrot in front of me, almost within reach, only to yank it away again. I don't think patience is necessarily a question of tolerating delays, most of us don't. It is about making the best of the delays thrown at us.

This setback or whatever I should call it, is once again raising the "faith" issue in my little brain. This time, however, the questions going through my brain are not the practical questions I have been throwing at y'all until now. The questions are the why questions. I have spent way to much time asking the why questions only to be disappointed time after time. I am working on avoiding them as much as possible, but I am not doing a very good job. There is a very fine line between grief, anger, and self-pity. I suppose there are some questions I am not supposed to know the answer to. If there is a God, why did he chose me to get MD? What did I do wrong? Is it God's will that I time after time have to get disappointed, and have to fight my way back up? is he testing me to gauge my strength? If so, what is coming that I will need it for?

The blow to the Albuterol experiment is not lethal, and I should not worry until I know what my cardiologist has to say! Today I am, however, choosing to be a little angry, simply because this is annoying.

I have received a lot of reading and listening materials about faith and religion from people over the past few days. I will do my best to use my delay to make sense of it all, and post my thoughts and questions one of the next days.

Contact email keepinghopejourney@gmail.com